Today I thought I'd share something that is way too near and dear to my heart. My friend once said "Life is too short to do something you don't want to do." Now make no mistake. This friend, who we'll call, Lynne, cause her name is Lynne, is a very kind friend. She does a lot for others all the time. But her statement is based on the fact that so often we do stuff we're not even called to do because we feel this certain obligation. Obligations nobody,not even God, put in our hearts.
I've always admired that in Lynne. My husband, Scott, has this ability to say no as well. What Lynne and Scott are capable of is decifering when enough is enough. I often go to Scott and say "ahhhh, I don't want to do this or that, but I don't know how to get out of it without hurting feelings." I spend hours sometimes on this guilt. He knows me well and therefore is very quick to point it out when he can see the guilt shining through. He's also quick to point out that sometimes I feel that I'll hurt someone's feelings when in fact they might not even truly care.
That got me in a lot of trouble in Grand Cayman. I found Jamaican people as a whole were much more forward in asking for things than Americans. This isn't to make fun of the Jamaican way. On the contrary, in some ways I would prefer to be more like this. Jamaican people will say things like "I'm going to borrow your computer for the night." Yes, that actually happened to us. While the American often will say, "um, ok," and they say it uncomfortably I might add which goes completely over the Jamaican head. Next we say to our friends, "can you believe he had the nerve to even ask." That would be me if you couldn't read between the lines. Scott often would say "well, if you didn't want to lend out your computer than why would you say 'yes.'" Exasperated "Well, I don't want to hurt his feelings." Logical Scott, "Then you have no right to complain." True. Can you say passive-aggressive w/ a big "P" and a big "A." Making me sometimes a big "P" in the "A." Sometimes this just comes to me. Call it a gift. ;)
The reality of this situation is when we did actually tell our Jamaican friend he could use the computer at our house, he said, "ok." He found another way and didn't use it at all, but he was fine with it. Not angry at all. Time and time again, my Jamaican housekeeper told me "Julie, if you want something done differently, just ask. I won't get mad." She was true to her word never taking it out on me, simply changing her way of doing whatever it was showing no bitterness. But it took me a long time to learn this and, in fact if I'm honest, I'm still learning it.
What does this have to do w/ food? What? Oh yeah, food. I'll tell you. I'm a guilt eater. I am very active in church activities. I'm also active w/ my kids and at family functions, etc. A lot of food comes out at these events. A lot of sweets and fattening foods. Yummy foods. But the truth is rarely do I want to taste them all. I simply feel like "oh, nobody tasted that yet. I don't want them to feel bad." Or "I'm sitting w/ her, I better try her dish." Guilt eating. When they might not even care. In fact, maybe their kids are home praying nobody eats the chocolate cake so they get all the leftovers.
My Mom is a love baker. She loves to bake and loves when you enjoy her food. But the truth is if I didn't eat her foods. She'd simply eat them herself or share them with someone else who would also enjoy them. The guilt is my problem. Not hers.
So a suggestion for you. Next time you go to a potluck dinner or a school function. Enjoy what you like. You can even compliment the other dish if you must. But you don't have to try it. If they really insist. Perhaps the problem is theirs. Another option if this is too big a first step is take a small bite and say you're cutting back. If they want to sabatoge your eating, again, this is their issue not yours. So be polite, but you don't have to eat it.
I'd say if they jumped off a bridge would you? But some of you may be smart alecks like I always was, answering, "Is everybody jumping? Because if everybody else is jumping off I want in, because who would be left!" But seriously folks. Make up your own mind and in love answer "no, thank you, even though it looks mighty fine."
I'm off to an All You Can Eat Pancake Dinner tonight. I'm trading my sausage for the fruit cup. Why you ask? Because, I am turning a corner and will not guilt eat and sausage is not my bag, baby. So I shall trade Scott for his fruit. Win-Win.
Happy Weekend all! Get out for a nice walk this weekend! And eat what you like, not what you feel you must.
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